


Quarrelsome Quartet

by vlaplomb



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Bickering, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, I crammed as many bad orchestra stories into one fic as I could fit, Kieran wishes he was a cello, Not Canon Compliant, String Quartet AU, celli are sexy, cellist!Lauren, highly self indulgent, of course Kym is the violist because we're memers at heart, pianist!Will, premarital rosin sharing, the pains of being a classical musician, violinist!Kieran, violist!Kym
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:54:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26453707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vlaplomb/pseuds/vlaplomb
Summary: "Perfect," Will said."Cliche," Kym scoffed."I want to die," Lauren groaned."Let's play!" Kieran said.Kieran, Lauren, Will, and Kym form a slap-dash string quartet and attempt to rehearse for Lukas and Lila's wedding.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White, Lukas Randall/Lila Desroses (in mention), William Hawkes/Kym Ladell, the main four's friendship (?) in general
Comments: 19
Kudos: 55





	Quarrelsome Quartet

**Author's Note:**

> A run-down:
> 
> Kieran: violin I, based on a headcanon I was dying over that Eph confirmed.
> 
> Will: violin II, but gets fed up and plays piano
> 
> Kym: viola, my instrument, the forgotten one, it fits because we're the memers of the group and drive everyone else up the wall
> 
> Lauren: cello, for no reason except we needed a cellist and cellos are h o t and now I'm obsessed with cellist!Lauren

"Ha! My instrument is bigger than yours, _Willame!_ ”

Will sighed. "That's because yours is a viola and mine is a violin."

"Do you take me for an idiot?" Kym flicked her bow hair, expelling an off-white cloud of rosin into Will's face like a puff of smoke. "That doesn't change the fact that it's still bigger."

"Kym, don't touch your bow - it makes it wear faster," Lauren admonished her, tossing Will an instrument cloth as he sputtered in his cloud of sticky rosin dust. Pouting, Kym unfolded her shoulder rest with a snap.

In front of the three bickering musicians, Kieran paced along, violin clenched in his fist and bow tapping his nose impatiently. Kym watched as he lingered a little longer by Lauren’s seat, neck bent to his right at an awkward angle. His gaze flickered toward hers and then forward again as he sighed, reaching his chair in three brief strides and then returning to where Lauren was cluelessly helping her cello out of its case.

“Kieran, did you break your neck?” Kym asked, furrowing her brow.

He jumped, straightening. “Oh no, I just have a _hickey_ there and it hurts a little to bend my neck the other way.”

Kym threw a hand over her lips in a mockery of surprise. “I see. Since you keep walking by Lauren, I take it she must be the culprit?”

“I have a feeling I know _exactly_ who gave Kieran that... _mark_ ,” Lauren growled, never taking her eyes off her own instrument. “Betsy.”

Will sighed, massaging his forehead as he dusted his face of rosin. “And who the hell is Betsy?”

“His violin.” Lauren narrowed her eyes, smirking as Kieran’s face fell. “Don’t think I didn’t notice how that _blister happens to be exactly in the spot where your chin rest rubs against your neck.”_

__

Kym rubbed at her own blister, turning away from the idiocy to her right and focusing on the instrumentalist to her left. “Do you have a violin hickey too, Will?”

__

"This isn't even my main instrument," Will said with a grimace. "Remind me again why we couldn't just do a piano quartet."

__

"It's easier to find music for two violins, a viola, and a cello than it is to find it for a piano, a violin, a viola, and a cello," Kieran scoffed, plopping down into his seat on the other side of Will with his own violin.

__

Lauren curled her lip in the haughty violinist's direction, righting her cello and settling the endpin into the rockstop. Kym glanced between them, wanting to slice the prevailing sexual tension with her bow. "And why did we put Kieran in charge of this shit show again?" Lauren asked, gliding her bow over her brick of rosin.

__

"You've always liked to be in charge, haven’t you, darling," he said snarkily, slamming his case shut. "And to answer your question, it's because a violinist generally leads the group, not a cellist-"

__

Will bristled. "Well, if there were a _pianist_ , then he would lead-"

__

"Hey guys! Do you want to know why violas are bigger than violins?" Kym interrupted, digging the screw of her bow into her knee with anticipation at the impending punch line. Will groaned, settling back in his seat next to her, as Lauren shot her a puzzled but intrigued look. Without waiting for a response, Kym continued. "It's just an illusion - the violinists' heads are bigger!"

__

Lauren and Kym burst out laughing as the two bickering violinists glared in their direction. When Kieran broke his harsh expression to smirk, Kym sighed, internally screaming oh no. "Why would someone pick a cello or viola over a violin?" Lauren threw him a death stare, and his eyes twinkled a brilliant aquamarine. "They burn longer!"

__

Kym snickered. "Quartet superlatives: most likely to commit arson goes to Kieran White!"

__

"Are we going to rehearse or not?" Will said, rearranging his sheet music on the stand. "The wedding is in a couple days."

__

Kieran nodded, straightening. "I guess we'll start off with a scale?"

__

"C major," Kym muttered, running her hand up the fingerboard impatiently. Lauren nodded in agreement as she rested the scroll of her cello against her shoulder.

__

Kieran grinned wickedly. "Let's go with B flat minor! Three octaves!"

__

"Hell no," Lauren scoffed, removing her bow from its perch on the stand and giving it a twirl. "D major."

__

"Fine." The quartet lifted their instruments into playing position.

__

_Pop._

__

"I wish I was dead!" Kym exclaimed brightly, reaching for her fallen shoulder rest on the ground. _This darn shoulder rest, falling off at the most inconvenient times._ She sighed, sensing the rest of the ensemble watching her intently as her fingertips barely grazed the edge of the accessory.. Another hand reached past hers, picking it up with ease.

__

"You're too dramatic." Will set the shoulder rest in Kym's waiting palm.

__

Kieran inhaled sharply in their direction, jabbing the scroll of his instrument at his stand. "One, two, ready, and-"

__

A deafening squeal brought the short-lived scale to a halt. "Will, you sound like a dying cat."

__

"Well I'm _sorry_ , Kieran, but this isn't exactly my preferred instrument if you recall!"

__

"Isn't this why we practice at Will's place?" Lauren asked, directing their attention towards the piano sitting behind them, expectantly waiting for its owner. He eyed the glossy black finish wistfully. "Just change instruments, Will."

__

" _Thank_ you," he said, exasperated. Before Kym could say "I hate it here," Will had already packed up his violin and was seated behind the group on the piano bench. Without the second violinist chair between her and Kieran, Kym was now stuck between two boiling, bantering forces of nature.

__

Being a violist really sucked sometimes.

__

"Again," Kieran sighed. "One, two-"

__

"Ah ah ah, a new leader has entered the scene." Will placed his fingers carefully on the ivory keys, poised and smug. "One, two, ready, and-"

__

Finally with everyone playing their desired instrument, Kym was able to relax as she slid her fingertips up the neck of the instrument, trailing up the scale. As she reached the top of the scale and began slipping back down, Kym took her eyes off her bow gliding across the A string and glanced over to Kieran, whose eyes were distractedly fixated on Lauren's cello.

__

It was no secret that Kieran would gladly trade the cello for the place between Lauren's knees.

__

Kym shook the thought out of her head, turning her instrument toward Will instead. Perhaps Kieran's intent on Lauren's instrument was not so profound after all, for Kym began to wish she was the piano. The way Will's hands danced along the keyboard was just so mesmerizing, up and down the white keys and occasionally hitting an ebony until they came to rest in a resolving chord, lingering…

__

"Kym." The tip of a bow made harsh contact with the back of Kym's head, provoking Kym to turn and face her assailant. _Lauren._ "Why are you still playing? The scale finished."

__

"Oh, sorry."

__

"What on earth is that green thing on your frog, Kym?" Kieran asked, pointing the tip of his bow toward the black rectangle at the end of the bow resting in Kym's hand. She smiled fondly.

__

"I put on a frog sticker."

__

Kieran's eyes widened in slight horror, signifying that he would never taint his precious instrument with the ghastly force of adhesive. Shaking his head, he turned back to the rest of the group. "I think I forgot my rosin. Anyone have some I can borrow?"

__

"I do!" Kym said, fishing a cloth from her case. Unwrapping it, she revealed an amber hued disk, weighing it fondly in her palm.

__

Kieran leaned her way. "I wanted to borrow _Lauren's_ rosin," he hissed. Kym nodded knowingly, eyes wide.

__

"My mistake! This is just one of those maple sugar candies!" Kym laughed, glancing down at the aged, hardened tree sap before popping it into her mouth. Immediately, she hacked it back out, a bitter and ancient taste swirling in her mouth. It tasted like how her grandmother's house smelled. "Wow, I think it's expired."

__

Lauren gaped at Kym in horror - _darn, she had forgotten about the whole lie detector thing for a moment_ \- while Kieran just shrugged it off. "Lauren? Rosin?"

__

"Try looking in your case, subordinate," she said with a frown. Realization dawned on Kieran's face - he most definitely had not forgotten his rosin. Still, he grinned as he retrieved it.

__

_What is it with that man and wanting to be called subordinate?_ Kym thought. Still tasting the bitter remnants of rosin in the back of her throat, she looked to Will, who was retrieving some sheet music from his bag. "What did you guys bring for us to learn for the wedding?" Will asked.

__

"I brought a couple different pieces," Lauren said, reaching behind her. "When I asked Lukas what he and Lila wanted, he just said 'music.'"

__

"I brought several as well," Kieran said, looking to Kym.

__

She gulped. "I only brought one."

__

"It better be good," Will said.

__

"Oh, it is!" she waved the score in front of his face. "'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey. A classic."

__

"Not no." Will plucked the booklet from her hands. "Hell no."

__

Kieran gasped. "You curse?"

__

Will ignored him, fanning out his selections. "I brought a waltz by Mozart, a sarabande of Buxtehude, and one of Dvořak's serenades."

__

Kym yawned, laying her viola in her lap and resting her elbows on her knees. "They literally don't even have names. I'm already bored."

__

"They're classics!"

__

"How come I've never heard of them?" Kym shot back. "Now, 'Don't Stop Believing' - _everyone_ knows that one."

__

"Still no."

__

Kieran cleared his throat. "I'm a big fan of a little Shosty, so I brought [Shostakovich's eighth quartet](https://youtu.be/o_Fv-Cj8Ax4)."

__

"Which one is that again?" Kym asked, tearing the score away from him. _All the same. Numbered quartets._ She preferred pieces with meaningful titles. Her eyes trailed down the staff, flipping pages rapidly. "Oh! This is the one that sounds like the Mii Channel Theme!"

__

"What?" Lauren said blankly.

__

Will groaned in recognition. "That motif, the three notes...that's supposed to sound like the KGB knocking at your door."

__

"Who's the KGB? I only know the Phantom Scythe," Kym said with a wink, nudging Lauren. The exasperated cellist pinched the bridge of her nose with a pained expression.

__

"My point is, let's not play a piece having anything to do with the Soviet Union for Lukas and Lila's wedding."

__

"Such a killjoy, Will," Kym muttered. "Is everything you brought depressing, Kieran?"

__

"Almost," he replied, tucking it away. "But what's wrong with that?"

__

"Everything," Lauren said, massaging her forehead. "Look, I brought music for a couple pieces by this composer named Sophism - I thought 'From the Start' and 'The Old Days' might be fitting."

__

"Both absolute bops!" Kym exclaimed, catching a flash of the sheet music over Lauren's shoulder. "But wait...this is just a piano part."

__

"We can improvise, right?" She shuffled the papers, examining one of the pieces with a grimace. "This is straight off of Musescore, anyway."

__

Kym could almost hear Kieran sweating next to her. "I have an inkling that Kiki was trained like a classical snob and can't improvise at all."

__

"Hey!"

__

"Well then," Lauren said, smirking at Kieran. "I have no more ideas."

__

"This is a disaster!" Will exclaimed, folding his arms on the keyboard and dropping his forehead with a dissonant chord.

__

"There's always 'Don't Stop Believing'!" Kym exclaimed.

__

"Hold on, I have one more piece - not as depressing," Kieran said, signaling for the other three to stop their cacophony. "Might be just as depressing for Lauren, though."

__

Lauren narrowed her eyes. "You didn't."

__

Gleefully, Kieran swiped a final score from his stack. The front page bore the words which made Lauren tilt her head back and scream.

__

"Canon in D."

__

Kym threw Kieran a punch, which he easily dodged. "Everyone complains about the cello part, but the viola part is just as bad!"

__

"Cellos complain louder," Kieran said simply, tossing a part onto Lauren's stand. She eyed it warily, pressing her lips into a thin line.

__

"Perfect," Will said.

__

"Cliche," Kym scoffed.

__

"I want to die," Lauren groaned.

__

"Let's play!" Kieran said, doling out the remainder of the parts. Huffing, Kym eyed her pitiful quarter notes with contempt. "Try not to fall asleep, ladies."

__

"Try not to ogle Lauren too much, Kieran," Kym shot back, earning a bewildered look from Lauren. Will grinned, hands ready on the piano, turning back to get a good view of the drama unfolding across Kym's lap.

__

"One, two, ready, and-"

__

As Will launched into the piano line of Pachelbel's canon amidst Lauren and Kieran's blushing yet contentious staredown, Kym elected to play along with the melody of her beloved Journey song.

__

It sounded atrocious.

__

**Author's Note:**

> How do I know what rosin tastes like?
> 
> 😳😏😏
> 
> I _wish_ this fic could cover all of the random orchestra incidents I've experienced over the years, but unfortunately some of them just didn't fit :') I hope you enjoyed, nonetheless.
> 
> I only linked one piece - the Shosty 8 mvt 4. It's very near and dear to my heart. I implore you to click the embed where it is mentioned in the fic; it always makes me cry (laughing).
> 
> Edit: I thought the title sounded familiar and then remembered: the quarantine fic. Oops. Ig there just aren't many Q adjectives :'>


End file.
